Sunday, August 23, 2009

Pregnant Again

I took a pregnancy test on Friday after work and it came up negative. Boy we sure had a fun weekend. I kept googling infertility after miscarrage on the internet, thinking I was now going to have issues. Tuesday rolled around and I had still not started my period (I know TMI), so I had bought a two pack of pregancy tests and decided to take another the bathroom at Chuy's. I was about to down a couple of Mexican Martinis to drink my sorrows away and something told me not to until I peed on that stupid the bathroom at Chuy's. God does work in mysterious ways - it came up positive. So I nixed the martinis for some water and cried. I made an appointment with my doctor the next day. I did bloodwork to confirm, which it did confirm I was pregnant. I then did bloodwork again a few days later to make sure the levels were doubling like they should, and they were. However, during this entire time I was spotting (which happened in the first pregancy), so my anxiety level was off the charts to say the least. At six weeks I was able to go to the doctor for my first sonogram. I was labeled "high risk" and got lots and lots of sonograms - too many to count. I was so nervous before that appointment. I remember laying on the table, with Ellison, the same sonogram tech that had to tell us Brynn had died. I don't know who was more nervous when he saw it was me. I closed my eyes and kept saying in my head - please see a heartbeat, please see a heartbeat, please...please God please...and there it was - beating like a little drum - strong. He said, you know once you have seen the heartbeat the chances of something happening to the baby goes down to less than 10% or something like that. I didn't really pay much attention because once you become a statistic, you don't want to hear them. I was so excited when Dan and I left that office, but so nervous. Every single day I was convinced something was wrong. We had MANY $100 visits to the emergency room during those first few weeks. If something happened to this baby, I would not have survived. When we figured out the due date, this baby was due two days after I delivered Brynn, May 19th. Are you kidding me? I hope I didn't have to deliver this baby on May 17, 2009. I thought of that up until the day I had Cole...I think everyone was hoping that did not happen. I had anxiety attacks my entire pregnancy. I constantly thought something was wrong. I started doing accupuncture to help with the overall pregnancy, but focusing on the anxiety. It helped so much. Dan was so much better this pregnancy. He acted excited (even though I still think he had doubts). He did it for me and honestly, I did not care if he was pretending or not. I did not have the strength to worry about Dan. I had a baby to protect at all costs. At twelve weeks Ellison asked me if we were going to find out if we were having a boy or girl and I told him of course. He told me then that he was 99% sure it was a boy. A boy, a sweet little boy. I told Dan, but didn't want him to get too excited quite yet. I told a friend that they thought I was having a boy and she asked, "Will you be OK having a boy?" I told her, "I'll be OK if I don't have to bring my baby home in a box." Seriously, will I be OK?? Brynn was due on October 31st, yes Halloween. Halloween was not fun that year. I told someone that Dan and I were both taking that day off from work and spending it together doing something that I enjoyed. We went shopping of course! Again, I told a friend about the day and she said, "Babies never come on their due dates." Seriously...I told her, but that is all we have. We confirmed that we were having a boy on New Year's Eve...there was NO doubt :)Daniel Cole Walker was growing in my belly. My anxiety level was still high, but as each day passed, I felt a little closer to my dream of being a mom. I would go in for sonograms and they would tell me that he weighed about a pound and a half...and I would think things like that Octomom's babies weighed that and they survived. If Cole was born today, he could live. How sick is that? We started decorating Cole's room as soon as the sonogram confirmed he was a he. The room had been empty since May (we had sold the furniture to buy things for Brynn's room). I was excited, but still so nervous. I kept thinking something would go wrong...but it didn't.My goodness Cole was a mover. I felt like he was always stretching his little body in there and based on how he stretches now...he probably was. My mom and friend Kim threw us a couples shower on April 18th. Someone said, gosh that is rather close to the due date...but I choose to have it then...just in case something bad happened.I started my weekly visits the day before our shower. At that time I was already starting to dilate. I was a whole whopping 1 cm - but since I was still a month out, that was good. The doctor started commenting on how big she thought he was going to be. Dan and I are not "little people" and I was almost a 10 pounder. They did a sonogram the next week and they thought he was almost 7 pounds and his head size was measuring 40 weeks. Yikes! On May 1st, I went to the doctor for my weekly visit. I was 2cm now :) Cole was in the right position and things were looking good. My doctor and I started talking about those so-called options again. I was 37 1/2 weeks pregnant. She said she would like to induce at 39 weeks if he had not arrived on his own, but she was going to be on vacation. I really wanted her to be there because she had been with us the entire time and through the loss of Brynn. She said then we could wait (if did not grace us with his presence) until the day she returned from vacation which was May 17th. What, did you just say May 17th...I started sobbing. I told her I needed to have a healthy baby at home with me before that day rolled around. I couldn't still be pregnant and mourn my first baby. As she wiped away her tears, she said, "Cole is just fine right now, how about let's have this baby this week?" Oh thank God...she checked the hospital schedule, they would begin inducing Sunday night and the baby would come (hopefully) sometime on Monday. Wow...I'm so close...

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