My Big, Big Boy

My sweet little boy turned 16 weeks old this past week. We went to our 4 month doctor appointment and my little 7 pound, 18 3/4 inch long baby has turned into a 19 pound, 26 1/2 inch big, big boy. He is in the 95 percentile on weight, 90 percentile in height, and 99 percentile in pure happiness. Dr. Millar said he is perfect and doesn't care how big he is, as long as the height and weight are proportional. Cole is bigger than many of our friend's 6-9 month olds. Oh well, I sometimes get annoyed with all of the comments that people, especially strangers, make when they ask and I tell them he is only 4 months old...but oh well, have you seen my family??? Cole doesn't have a chance of being a little person.

This past month, Cole has started to do some new tricks too. He rolls from his belly to his back - if he feels like it. One week he did it every single time I put him on his tummy, but now he just does it if he is in the mood I guess. He also started giggling outloud too, you know that good deep baby belly laugh. The kind of laugh that just melts your heart and makes you giggle outloud too. He mostly laughs when we kiss his neck or tickle his belly, but he laughed for a good 5 minutes this morning when I was shaking a caterpillar rattle at him...so who knows.

Cole constantly "talks" and "sings". In fact when I take him shopping, people stop and look in the basket at him because he is so loud. Again, he can't be a quiet person with parents like Dan and me :)

Dr. Millar gave us the OK to start rice cereal. I was really nervous because I wasn't sure how he would react. Lately, he has tried to grab the food I was eating out of my hand and when he we eat dinner he just stares at me and laughs...so the interest in food is definitely there. Last night Dan and I made the first attempt at feeding him cereal, really soupy formula cereal. He wasn't quite sure about it. At first he gagged a lot and I thought, gosh he is not quite ready yet, but he got better. Towards the end of our 10 bite adventure, he would turn towards the spoon, open his mouth, make the bitter beer face, gag a bit, smile, and then want to do it again. I 'm not sure if he liked it or not - probably just still too new. It made for an interesting diaper this morning though :) He slept last night from 8:00 until 5:30 this morning - the longest ever at 9 and 1/2 hours. Usually he only sleeps for 8 hours without waking up. Was it the cereal like people say - who knows? But Dan and I sure did enjoy the sleep.

I have been reading the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and I swear it is totally working. He is a little young to start, but he really has lost all fussy times the past week due to going to bed by 8:00 and taking a nap (about an hour) ever two hours he is awake. The book suggests catching him before he gets too tired and putting him down for a nap. We worked really hard at that this week and he has been a perfect baby - shots and all. He loves getting swaddled up in the baby straight jacket and smiling at me until he closes his eyes. No fussing, no fighting, and it only takes about 3 minutes until he falls asleep. The book is wonderful.

The only bad thing about Cole being 4 months old is that it is time for me to head back to work. I miss going to work, I need to go to work for all sorts of reasons, financially and mentally - but I am struggling with leaving Cole. I know he is going to be in good care - our neighbor referred us to her in-home daycare provider and we were really impressed. He starts tomorrow and will go next week for just a few hours a day as we both adjust...well as I adjust. I am sure he will be fine. Dan will take him to Ms. Debra's house (only about 5 miles away) around 8:00 every morning and I will pick Cole up around 4:30 every afternoon. It is quality versus quantity right? That is what I keep telling myself.

This morning, Cole was laying in his boppy on the living room floor and somehow Dan and I both ended up on the floor next to him, with our heads on each side of his boppy just talking to our son. It is funny how priorities have changed. What a wonderful morning for the Walker family.

Daddy Dan

Dan is such a giving person. He truly has a heart of gold, so when he was telling me he didn't think he would make a good Dad, convinced he would not make a good Dad...I kept hoping he was just scared. Dan is the type of person that will think, say, the worse case scenario, so when it isn't quite that bad, he is not disappointed. So of course that is what he did about having a child. I couldn't imagine Dan being "bad" at anything, let alone being a Dad. He is the guy that helps you fix your ceiling fan, install tile, show you how to work the tool you want to borrow. When I met Dan he was volunteering at the Humane Society, fixing things for the animals. He then decided to help with pet adoptions (the people that stand outside the pet stores). I decided to join him, 1. because it is a nice thing to do...2. because we had 3 dogs already and we didn't need another one and that heart of his was going to end up getting us another dog. Dan is a kid magnet too. Hallie and Connor, my niece and nephew, have loved him from the first day they met him. The kids in the neighborhood ask him to help them build skateboard ramps and fix bikes. He is "that guy". So why such concern about becoming a dad??? I think he just was scared he would disappoint me, and that would crush him. Let me tell you, Dan has not disappointed me one day since Cole has arrived. He helps me on the weekends by taking Cole out of our room when he wakes up at 6:30 on Saturday mornings so Mommy can sleep. Not only does he do all of the tedious jobs, like clean and make bottles for Cole every single night and take the poopy diapers outside, but he rocks him to sleep every night and he loves on that little boy more than I ever hoped he would, he could. Cole has started laughing outloud, like that good baby belly laugh and it just makes your heart melt. Dan was so excited when he laughed at him last night. He said, "That was the longest he has laughed for me." with such pride in his heart. Before Cole was born, Dan would say, "I don't want to just sit around staring at our kid all of the time." And of course I would say, "I do." The other day, as we were both laying on the bed next to Cole, staring at him, I had to laugh. I also said to Dan that he sure kisses on Cole a lot...and he told me that is because he is so kissable. Who would have thought it huh? People change, situations change...what becomes your life is better than you could imagine. My son could not ask for a better Daddy. I hope Dan knows that!!!

Healing

I was just thinking, as I rocked my sweet boy to sleep (in his baby straight jacket of course)...about my life. I have been "good" at most things I have tried my entire life. I was "good" at sports, I won tons of trophies and ribbons (the days before everyone got a ribbon for breathing), I made All Star teams in all different sports, made All District, All City in basketball in high school. I won certificates and medals for playing the piano. I even wrote a play in high school that won an award. It was about an abusive dad, so I am still wondering to this day if I won because my teachers thought my dad was slapping me around (which he wasn't, kind of makes me laugh though if that is why I won). I have been Teacher of the Year, Humanitarian of the Year, I graduated from college with honors....But who the flip cares right? The thing I am most proud of, the thing I have done best in my life is to help create the sweetest, most beautiful boy in the entire world. You could offer me a million dollars or you could tell me, "Gosh you are a good mom" and I will take the latter. It is amazing how much I have healed over the past four months. You never get-over loosing a child, you never forget, but you have to move forward. The dips are not so far down that you cannot pull yourself up. Daniel Cole Walker has made me whole again.

A Family Friendly Car

So Dan and I have been having many "conversations" (my word for arguments) about him driving a more family friendly car. He has a Jeep, that doesn't have a hard top, and in my opinion...just mine...the jeep falls under the category of CASH FOR CLUNKERS. Well, that is going to make my wonderful hubby mad. After spending the summer, the hottest summer on record in a Jeep, Dan was ready to buy a new car. He came home and showed me a picture of a car he found online. I just glanced at it and when on attack...2 doors - Dan, come on, you are smarter than that. I kept explaining that if we were going to plunk down over $35,000 for a new car, it needed to have 4 doors. I tried explaining how difficult it is to get a carseat in/out of a 2 door car, and how difficult it was for people getting in/out of a 2 door car...he didn't understand and that just irratated me. We talked a lot about this. My husband is VERY smart, too smart sometimes. Looking back, I know that I should just let him figure these things out on his own, and not jump down his throat with my opinion, but hey, not really my style...I think I will work on that though. Dan saw the car that he was thinking about getting in the parking lot of Chuy's and held the carseat up next to it. He said, and I quote, "Boy, it would be really hard to get the carseat in and out of the back seat." Well duh... I said in my head. I told him, "Gosh I wish you would just realize that I am always right." He laughed. Well it would make things easier :) We went on a car looking trip 2 Saturdays ago and narrowed it down to two different cars. I was fine with either, if he was determined to get a car. I am an SUV lover, my husband is not. Dan took Friday off of work and we took Cole and his carseat to the two dealerships to test drive and test "fit" the cars. I am sure that if you knew Dan before Lisa, before Cole, you would never have thought that carseat fitting was on the final checklist...I think it is too funny. Dan fell in love with the Infiniti G37. I will admit, it is a sweet ride. My husband pulled the trigger and made the deal. I was so glad - sometimes he gets nervous and talks himself out of things. He bought a black on black "big poppa" car. It is getting detailed and the windows tinted as I type. He gets to pick it up today. He still keeps saying he wants the convertible version, but I keep telling him to let it go. We made a deal, as soon as Cole is out of any "seating" contraptions, he can get the convertible. Don't tell him that kids are in carseats and/or booster seats until their early elementary years...what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him.

Welcome Daniel Cole Walker

We checked into the hospital on Sunday night - they did some weird stuff and the process began. They started the pitocin at 5:30am Monday morning, broke my water at 8:00am, I had an epidural by 10:30 (never claimed I was going to tough this out), was 5 cm at 12:30ish, and oops 10 cm an hour or so later. The nurse was shocked. She had me lay on my side for about 15 minutes because Cole had moved over to my right side. I told my sister-in-law to go get the nurse because I was pretty sure the baby was coming out. She laughed...I don't think she believed me. The nurse came in to check and she got on her phone immediately. I heard her say, "It is not an emergency, but I would hurry." There...I told you he was coming out. 3 sets of 3 pushes later...Daniel Cole Walker entered our world. If all deliveries were this easy, there would be way more pregnant people in the world. He was perfect. He didn't even have that weird alien shaped head. He was little for a Collett baby - 7 pounds 3 oz...thank God he was 2 weeks early.They let me hold him, but they were worried about his breathing - not too worried, just being cautious. They took him to the nursery and everyone left. I was there by myself. A nurse finally came in and I begged her to take me to Cole. Cole's bloodsugar test kept coming back low, so they decided to admit him to the NICU to start a sugar IV. What...are you freaking kidding me?Why is this happening. Although the nurses were never overly concerned about Cole, you still don't want your child going to the NICU. When we got to the NICU the nurse told me they were going to put an IV in his little hand to get the sugar to him. She said if they couldn't find a vein there, they would have to put it in his head. Please God, let her find a vein...and she did. Cole stayed in the NICU for 3 nights. They gradually lowered the sugar dosage and he maintained his levels. We still don't know why this happened, but it hasn't affected him at all. On Thursday night, we brought our beautiful baby boy home, in a carseat, not another stupid little box. From now on, my blog posts will be about our life with Cole. It is not that we have forgotten about Brynn, not at all. There is not a day I don't tell her how much I love her. There is not a day that I don't tell Cole about his big sister, his angel. In fact when he smiles in his sleep, I think they are playing together, laughing and being the best of friends.

Pregnant Again

I took a pregnancy test on Friday after work and it came up negative. Boy we sure had a fun weekend. I kept googling infertility after miscarrage on the internet, thinking I was now going to have issues. Tuesday rolled around and I had still not started my period (I know TMI), so I had bought a two pack of pregancy tests and decided to take another test...in the bathroom at Chuy's. I was about to down a couple of Mexican Martinis to drink my sorrows away and something told me not to until I peed on that stupid stick...in the bathroom at Chuy's. God does work in mysterious ways - it came up positive. So I nixed the martinis for some water and cried. I made an appointment with my doctor the next day. I did bloodwork to confirm, which it did confirm I was pregnant. I then did bloodwork again a few days later to make sure the levels were doubling like they should, and they were. However, during this entire time I was spotting (which happened in the first pregancy), so my anxiety level was off the charts to say the least. At six weeks I was able to go to the doctor for my first sonogram. I was labeled "high risk" and got lots and lots of sonograms - too many to count. I was so nervous before that appointment. I remember laying on the table, with Ellison, the same sonogram tech that had to tell us Brynn had died. I don't know who was more nervous when he saw it was me. I closed my eyes and kept saying in my head - please see a heartbeat, please see a heartbeat, please...please God please...and there it was - beating like a little drum - strong. He said, you know once you have seen the heartbeat the chances of something happening to the baby goes down to less than 10% or something like that. I didn't really pay much attention because once you become a statistic, you don't want to hear them. I was so excited when Dan and I left that office, but so nervous. Every single day I was convinced something was wrong. We had MANY $100 visits to the emergency room during those first few weeks. If something happened to this baby, I would not have survived. When we figured out the due date, this baby was due two days after I delivered Brynn, May 19th. Are you kidding me? I hope I didn't have to deliver this baby on May 17, 2009. I thought of that up until the day I had Cole...I think everyone was hoping that did not happen. I had anxiety attacks my entire pregnancy. I constantly thought something was wrong. I started doing accupuncture to help with the overall pregnancy, but focusing on the anxiety. It helped so much. Dan was so much better this pregnancy. He acted excited (even though I still think he had doubts). He did it for me and honestly, I did not care if he was pretending or not. I did not have the strength to worry about Dan. I had a baby to protect at all costs. At twelve weeks Ellison asked me if we were going to find out if we were having a boy or girl and I told him of course. He told me then that he was 99% sure it was a boy. A boy, a sweet little boy. I told Dan, but didn't want him to get too excited quite yet. I told a friend that they thought I was having a boy and she asked, "Will you be OK having a boy?" I told her, "I'll be OK if I don't have to bring my baby home in a box." Seriously, will I be OK?? Brynn was due on October 31st, yes Halloween. Halloween was not fun that year. I told someone that Dan and I were both taking that day off from work and spending it together doing something that I enjoyed. We went shopping of course! Again, I told a friend about the day and she said, "Babies never come on their due dates." Seriously...I told her, but that is all we have. We confirmed that we were having a boy on New Year's Eve...there was NO doubt :)Daniel Cole Walker was growing in my belly. My anxiety level was still high, but as each day passed, I felt a little closer to my dream of being a mom. I would go in for sonograms and they would tell me that he weighed about a pound and a half...and I would think things like that Octomom's babies weighed that and they survived. If Cole was born today, he could live. How sick is that? We started decorating Cole's room as soon as the sonogram confirmed he was a he. The room had been empty since May (we had sold the furniture to buy things for Brynn's room). I was excited, but still so nervous. I kept thinking something would go wrong...but it didn't.My goodness Cole was a mover. I felt like he was always stretching his little body in there and based on how he stretches now...he probably was. My mom and friend Kim threw us a couples shower on April 18th. Someone said, gosh that is rather close to the due date...but I choose to have it then...just in case something bad happened.I started my weekly visits the day before our shower. At that time I was already starting to dilate. I was a whole whopping 1 cm - but since I was still a month out, that was good. The doctor started commenting on how big she thought he was going to be. Dan and I are not "little people" and I was almost a 10 pounder. They did a sonogram the next week and they thought he was almost 7 pounds and his head size was measuring 40 weeks. Yikes! On May 1st, I went to the doctor for my weekly visit. I was 2cm now :) Cole was in the right position and things were looking good. My doctor and I started talking about those so-called options again. I was 37 1/2 weeks pregnant. She said she would like to induce at 39 weeks if he had not arrived on his own, but she was going to be on vacation. I really wanted her to be there because she had been with us the entire time and through the loss of Brynn. She said then we could wait (if did not grace us with his presence) until the day she returned from vacation which was May 17th. What, did you just say May 17th...I started sobbing. I told her I needed to have a healthy baby at home with me before that day rolled around. I couldn't still be pregnant and mourn my first baby. As she wiped away her tears, she said, "Cole is just fine right now, how about let's have this baby this week?" Oh thank God...she checked the hospital schedule, they would begin inducing Sunday night and the baby would come (hopefully) sometime on Monday. Wow...I'm so close...

Life After Death

To say that the summer of 2008 was a REALLY bad summer, doesn't quite describe how bad it was. I couldn't sleep at night, I would just sob and sob. I was so angry at everyone, at myself, at God, and Dan...everyone. When you loose a child (or anyone) you go through stages of grief and mourning. You not only mourn the loss of your child, but you mourn the loss of yourself. You are not the same after going through something like this. I am not the same and will never be the person I was before Brynn died. You try to pretend to be your old self, but it makes things worse. I spent most of the summer curled up on the couch in my pajamas, eating candy and drinking Diet Coke. I did not want to leave the house. I shut the blinds and pretended to not be home. One night I went to give Dan something outside and I saw the neighbor down the street that was due the same week as me - I had a meltdown and crawled back inside to my couch - it was safe. Dan and I began seeing a counselor that helps people dealing with the loss of a loved one. He helped us a lot. He helped me understand that it was not my fault. He helped me understand that I might never know why this happened and to be OK with that. He helped me not be so angry at Dan. I kept telling him that Dan wasn't mourning like he should, he wasn't sad like I was, he needed to cry more, and our counselor kept telling me that men and women show it in different ways. I thought that was bullshit. But now looking back it is true. I now realize that Dan couldn't stop life and grieve like I was because someone had to keep us going and it certainly was not going to be me. He had to take care of me, which was a really big job...he didn't have the time, the energy, to shut down like I did. I understand now, but I was really hateful to him then because when you are in it, you are in it...and nothing anybody says makes sense. I told him many times that it was his fault, he didn't want this baby and so she died. Yes, I did and I am so ashamed that I said such hateful things to the man that held me in his arms every single night until I fell asleep. The summer was horrible and to make matters worse, I became obsessed with becoming pregnant again. I did not want to replace the baby I lost...I just still wanted a baby. I didn't care how I got one - stealing one was an option in my mind...OK not really, but I was teetering on the edge - if you only knew how many times I almost fell.

Brynn Collette Walker

When I walked in the door from the doctor, Dan knew something was wrong by the look on my face and the tears in my eyes. How in the world was I suppose to tell him that I was pregnant... Well needless to say, I did not have to say a word, he just knew. I was so excited and Dan, well to be honest, was not. The next few weeks were really stressful on us. Life is full of the unexpected, but God...this was unexpected. It was hard to not show how excited I truly was when Dan was around because he was not happy about me getting pregnant so easily. If you ask him, he will tell you all that I type. In fact, he will tell you that he was pretty harsh and mean about me being pregnant. With all of that said, nothing, nothing, nothing, that has happened to us this past year is anybody's fault. As we have found out, things are not in our hands. I was really sick during my first trimester, in fact I lost 15 pounds. I was taking really good care of myself and doing all of the things I should have been doing the year before I got pregnant. Dan was traveling quite a bit for his job, which is not normal. We had a really bad storm the night of May 15, 2008. I was freaking out just a bit, being at home alone and pregnant. The next morning I woke up and just didn't feel right. I can't really explain how I felt - I had no "symptoms" of miscarrying our baby...something was just not right. I went to work, but called my doctor to see if I could get in for an appointment that afternoon to reassure myself that everything was OK. Dan was on his way back into town, so I made a late afternoon appointment. Dan came home, picked me up, and off to the doctor we went. After I described what I thought was going on with me to my doctor she scheduled a sonogram. As I lay on the table getting that goopy junk squirted all over my belly - I was so relieved that I had a caring doctor that was willing to reassure me that everything was just fine.As the baby appeared on the screen, I could tell the baby wasn't moving. I told the guy, the baby is not moving? Where is the heartbeat? There is no heartbeat - at this time I was hitting Dan so that he could look for the heartbeat. Ellison, our sono tech, said, "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. "What??? Are you kidding me? This doesn't happen to people like me (whatever that means). I was sobbing so loud they moved me to another room. When they opened the door I felt everyone staring at me, many with tears in their eyes. I felt like I was in a dream, a nightmare. This is not happening...I remember saying that over and over again. I made Dan call my mom and dad, they were on their way. My doctor came in to talk to me about "options". I was into my second trimester, so the safest thing to do was to check into the hospital and deliver the baby. I begged her to do something else, but she said that if I wanted to leave the option open for another baby in the future, this was the safest way. Another baby...I want this baby. Our doctor prayed with us and we left to go to the hospital. We checked into the hospital and waited. Everyone was very nice. They put me in the "back" of the delivery area, so I didn't have to be around all of the new babies. They started the medicine to help me deliver my dead child. How did I get here right now I kept thinking in my head. I will not go into much more detail except to tell you I delivered our daughter, Brynn Collette Walker, (we found out we had a little girl after delivery) around 2:30am. I remember my doctor asking me if I wanted to hold her...of course I did. I wanted to see her. She was the most perfect little girl ever. She was a whopping six inches long and did not weigh a pound yet, but she was a perfect baby. I can't really remember the whole picture of her, but I remember parts. I remember her perfect little ears and tiny little hands. I remember that I was so surprised how she looked like a newborn, except so tiny. I remember telling her how sorry I was and that I loved her so much. Then they took her away and in came the hospital minister to pray with us. I don't remember much after that. I don't remember a lot of the next few months except crying and not caring if I was alive or dead. We left the hospital Saturday afternoon. The hospital gave us a box with some things in it - a card signed by the nurses, a blanket, and a copy of Brynn's tiny footprints. They were the size of a Barbie Doll's feet. The hospital offers to cremate children that pass away and then sprinkle their ashes in their butterfly garden, but I did not want to leave her there. We decided to have her cremated and bring her home to our house. On Sunday, as my best friend was checking into the hospital to deliver her daughter, Dan, my parents, and I went to the funeral home to make arrangements to have Brynn cremated. My dad wanted to pay for the arrangements, but Dan would not let him. I still remember my husband saying, "At least let me pay for something for my little girl." The words still make me cry. We brought Brynn's ashes home a week later in a tiny little wooden box that one of my parent's friends made for us. I was so curious about how many ashes would be in there - only about 2 tablespoons, that is all we have of her. We had plans to sprinkle her ashes on a tree or bush that we would plant special for her at our house, but we still have not done that. I keep thinking what if we move, she will not be with us? So they are locked in our little safe. I have never showed anybody the little box, her ashes, nothing...not even my parents. Looking back, I am glad that I was "forced" to deliver my daughter. I am so lucky to have had the chance to hold her and tell her how much she was, she is loved. It might sound weird, but it did give me a little bit of closure.

HUH??? What happened to someday???

Of course the minute we got married, moved into our new house, started back to work...the idea of having a baby became a topic of MANY "conversations". I will throw a disclaimer out there to begin...Dan and I were dating for only six weeks when the topic of children was brought up...by him. He was totally against having children. I told him that I did not want to have a baby tomorrow, but I was pretty sure I did want to have children in the future. He told me that it was not a "deal breaker" and that we would figure things out. To be fair to Dan, I didn't want to have a baby tomorrow, but once I married such a wonderful man, had such a wonderful life, I did want to have that baby sooner than later. While we were having many heated conversations about my sudden biological clock stomping on our front porch, I think everyone was getting pregnant and starting to have babies - that certainly didn't help the situation. Seriously, we found out that someone was pregnant at least once a week for over a year. OK, a little exaggerated, but not much. We decided for our sake, we would make a plan of sorts. Many of our more closer friends were having difficulty getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy, so I was freaked out a bit due to my age. We decided that after the first of the year of 2008, I would go to the doctor and get everything checked-out, making sure I was able to have a baby. In doing this, my doctor had to do a pregnancy test before she could submit me for some lab work. It was just suppose to be for "insurance" purposes. Needless to say, I didn't need to go get that lab work after all. On February 25, 2008, I found out I was pregnant with our first child.