Tonka Towin'

I didn't really imagine this to happen when I bought Cole a couple of

Tonka Trucks at the auction yesterday...

Windy, Wild Hair

While I was at the auction, Dan and the kids played outside at the lake...nothing special, I just love the pictures he took of Blakey.  Her wild hair says it all.

Four Years

It was this day, four years ago, that I woke up and knew something was not quite right.  I was in the second trimester of my pregnancy with our sweet little Brynn Collette.  I called my doctor and went in for a check-up (Dan met me there).  I knew when she showed up on the ultrasound machine, she had no heartbeat, I knew she had died.  My doctor then gave me more bad news (if possible), I would have to check into the hospital to deliver our baby - the baby I would never see grow up, never hear cry, never hold (or so I thought).  So, in a blur, we checked into the hospital and at around 2:30am on the 17th (it took a while to go into full labor), I delivered our daughter, Brynn Collette Walker. 

Four years ago, that day/night were and still are a bit of a blur to me.  I know I thought, how could God be so cruel?  How could he not only take my little girl from me, but then make me deliver her, knowing she had died.  How could he do this to ME?  I do remember this...I remember that they asked me if I wanted to hold her.  I think my family was against it (I know my brother was).  Dan told me months later that Skip and I argued about it while they were cleaning her.  I don't remember this at all.  But to this day, holding her tiny lifeless body is about all I remember from that night.  I don't really remember her whole body, but I do remember the size of her ears, her tiny fingers, her feet, her mouth.  I remember pulling the blanket off from around her and looking her over from head to toe.  She was perfect, VERY tiny, but perfect.

I did not think I was strong enough to handle such a loss - in fact I still wonder how I made it through it all.  Not that I am stronger than others, I just doubted my self.  People said stupid things to me - "God has a plan", "At least it was earlier in your pregnancy and not at the end"...It freaked people out that I talked so openly about our loss.  It made people uncomfortable, it still does. 

I still do not know exactly why this happened, I have rationalized this, as strange as it may sound, I would not have a COLE if I had a BRYNN.  I know that may sound harsh or even cruel, but I had to come to some "justification" in my heart and in my mind.  I got pregnant with Cole two months after we lost Brynn.  He would not be in our lives if she had gone full term.  AND I KNOW THAT I AM SUPPOSE TO HAVE A COLE IN MY LIFE.  He was made to be MY son.

So how do you move on, how do you make sense of things, how do you live your life with happiness and love? Well this is how...

I still mourn for Brynn, I still cry tears.  There are certain times of year, her birth day and what was to be her birthday.  I watch Private Practice and even though it is a show, it has a lot of triggers...last night was BAD, to say the least.  There are dips in the road, however the dips are not so far down I cannot recover.  It is easy to live a happy life (with a few sad moments) when you have those two faces to wake up to and go to bed to each and every day.

Cole's Birthday Breakfast

We had our mini-cupcakes with candles for breakfast this morning (Cole also found the leftover candy from his school goodie bags).  He asked us to light the candles three times so he could blow them out.  Three years...I can't believe I have a three year old little boy - that is potty-trained - YES!!!

I will say this to you every single year, these exact words...Cole, YOU make us a better Mommy, a better Daddy, a better wife, a better husband, a better daughter, a better son, a better friend. All because YOU love US without conditions. YOU make US better!

You healed my broken heart when I doubted it would ever heal...You make me better than I ever could have imagined...I love you Daniel Cole Walker.

 

 Of course B needed one.

 Birthday "Cheers" with lollipops!

 He is hoarding all of the chocolate chips...

 

Birthday Present

We bought Cole and Blakelee a joint "big" present for their birthdays (their birthdays are less than two weeks apart).  They seem to really like the kitchen/laundry center so far.  Cole actually pretends to cook, do laundry, etc...while Blake just throws everything around and opens and shuts the doors.  I love that he took his shoes and socks off to wash them :)

Twenty Questions With The Birthday Boy!



I had to prompt him a bit, but these are his answers...I can't wait to see how they change next year!

1.  What is your favorite color?   Black
2.  What is your favorite toy?  Balls
3.  What is your favorite fruit?  Blueberries
4.  What is your favorite TV show?  Team UmiZoomi
5.  What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch?  Chicken with ketchup
6.  What is your favorite outfit?  This one (as he pointed to his t-shirt)
7.  What is your favorite game? Dice (oops, maybe we need to work on that one)
8.  What is your favorite snack?  Pizza
9.  What is your favorite animal?  Monkey
10.  What is your favorite song?  MacDonald
11.  What is your favorite book?  The Zoo Book
12.  What is your favorite cereal?  Lucky Charms
13.  What is your favorite thing to drink?  Chocolate Milk
14.  Who is your best friend?  Tucker
15.  What is your favorite thing to do outside?  Sandbox
16.  What is your favorite holiday?  Birthday
17.  What do you like to sleep with at night?  Dino blanket
18.  What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?  Bacon
19.  What to you want for dinner on your birthday?  Cupcakes
20.  What do you want to be when you grow up?  Dentist (we just went to the dentist for the first time on Tuesday)

90 Degrees = Popsicles

90 degrees in early May...I think this might be a loooong, hot summer!